Day 5: A Long, Dark Descent into Darkness

I am not a spelunker.

At all.

So why I insisted we trek down into Carlsbad Caverns via the Natural Entrance rather than taking the nice, easy, convenient, air conditioned elevator is beyond me. But I did.

The Natural Entrance is a marvel. The paved, dimly lit, handrailed path descends some 70 stories from ground level down to The Big Room. It’s about a mile and a half down a mostly steep grade (there are handrails for a reason) that takes somewhere around an hour and a half to traverse as it winds over and under and around enormous rocks and cave formations, through high-ceilinged rooms and skinny little passages.

It’s rated as a moderate to strenuous hike, although that wholly depends on fitness level. While I did sweat like a horse, it was more an impact game than a cardio difficulty. Walking downhill for an hour and a half wreaks no small hell on knees and not-used-nearly-enough other muscles, many of which I continued to discover throughout the day. Earl, however, commented later on that she hadn’t even broken a sweat.

That’s what being 9 will get you, folks.

Despite the physical workout, the journey would be a marvelously peaceful one if everyone followed one of the Golden Rules of the Natural Entrance Hike: SPEAK SOFTLY. Hey, family of 3,872 kids and 2 adults in front of us, I’m talking to you!!!

They were loud. And squealy. And I kept having visions of some kid screeching at just the right frequency to open up some million-year-old fissure and cause a rock the size of a Holiday Inn to come crashing down on our heads.

While I paid our $10 admission in the Visitor’s Center (where the elevator is), Earl slipped across the lobby to the Ranger Info Station and got the skinny on the requirements to become a Junior Ranger of Carlsbad Caverns. I love the Junior Ranger program at our National Parks. It keeps kids involved in the parks and what’s going on around them when, really, they’d usually be complaining about the heat or their feet hurting or the lack of wi-fi or cell signal or “but why is it so DARK in here?” (shouted kid 2,431).

Once we were in the Twilight Zone, where natural light filters out and we’d be in complete darkness were it not for Thomas Edison, Earl started asking if we were through the Natural Entrance yet and would I sign that requirement off in her book.

“We’re through the opening, but we’re not done with the entrance until we get to the Big Room.”

“Oh.”

Four minutes later around a bend: “Is this the Big Room yet? Can you sign my book?”

“Not yet. You’ll know when we get to the Big Room. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen and SO much bigger than this.”

Six minutes later as I’m clinging to the rail to keep from either face planting or grabbing parent #2 who is letting kid #143 sing at the top of her lungs and throttling him: “Can you sign it yet?”

“When we stop walking down hill.”

Ten minutes later: “Can we stop so I can mark what I’ve seen from the Scavenger Hunt so far? I’ll forget if we don’t stop! What if I forget I’ve seen a drapery?”

I wasn’t a total tyrant. I didn’t make her wait the entire mile and a half before we stopped. It only took 45 minutes to find a bench in an area where a) some of the 8,354 (they were multiplying, I swear!) kids had plunked themselves and b) I didn’t fear that if I sat down, I would lose the will to continue, just lay down and give up seeing daylight ever again.

We finished the decent and took a brief time out in the Rest Area, a gift shop and snack bar tucked back behind the elevators (why did we not take the elevators?) in the cavern. While I guzzled water, Earl worked diligently on her workbook. Then it was off for our walk around The Big Room.

There are two options: The Short Loop or The Long Loop. We had already walked nearly 2 miles at that point, so I cajoled Earl into The Long Loop. “Oh come on,” I poked. “Do it for me?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Okay. I’ll do it for YOU.”

Another mile and a half later, she was glad she’d agreed to it. I was, too. It was fun. And much quieter than the descent. I have no clue where 10,324 kids can vanish in an instant, but they did. Maybe it was our first proof that we were in the general vicinity of Roswell.

After 3.5 hours in the caverns, we made a super brilliant, genius, FANTABURRIFIC decision.

We took the elevator back up to the Visitor’s Center.

Earl had finished the requisite seven activities in her book, so we stopped in with the Rangers and she was sworn in as an official Junior Ranger for Carlsbad Caverns.

We stopped briefly on the way out of dodge for me to mourn the loss of my favorite former attraction, The Million Dollar Museum. Then Earl supplemented those memories with some great ones of my child riding small but surprisingly aggressive animals.

It was a 4-Advil night for me. Earl passed out while I was in the shower.

I am so not a spelunker.